


I only wish my words could just convince myself

by gaslightgallows (hearts_blood)



Series: Notes From the King in Exile [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Conversations, Brother Feels, Drinking & Talking, Gen, One Shot, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 00:43:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14437773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hearts_blood/pseuds/gaslightgallows
Summary: Jane finds an entirely unexpected visitor in her apartment, waiting to talk to her.





	I only wish my words could just convince myself

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "Even villains smile" (Loki & Jane) (meldanya44). Takes place post-Ragnarok. Can be read as a standalone but is also entirely canonical for future events in the King in Exile series. Infinity War can go straight to hell.
> 
> If you're over on Tumblr, please consider following me at [gaslightgallows.tumblr.com](http://gaslightgallows.tumblr.com) for more fic, reblogs about writing, and lots of randomness. Thank you for reading and especially for commenting. Comments are love. ♥

"Hello, Dr. Foster." 

"You?! But that's... _you?_ " 

"In the flesh, I'm afraid." 

"And the Armani, I see." 

"Dolce and Gabbana, actually." 

"What are you _doing_ here? Aren't you supposed to be dead?" 

"Several times over. I keep trying, but it just won't seem to take..." 

"What do you want, Loki? Where's Thor?" 

"At this moment, Thor is hurtling towards this planet at several million miles an hour, along with a ship full of some five thousand Asgardians in various states of dilapidation." 

"...why?" 

"Because they have nowhere else to go." Loki leaned forward and Jane had to consciously fight the urge to step back. "And that is why I am here to see you." 

"I don't think I follow."

"Well, Thor is on his way, and as I understand matters, you and he..." 

"We broke up," said Jane shortly. "It's a thing that happens." She remembered the bags in her hand and dropped them on the table. "Your father must have been _thrilled_ at the news." 

"Odin is dead." 

"Oh. I – shit, I... look, do you want a drink? Coffee, tea, I think Darcy left some crappy hipster beer here?" 

"I wouldn't mind a hot chocolate, if you're offering." 

"Why am I not surprised that the God of Mischief likes hot chocolate?" Jane pawed through her cabinets. "I've got Swiss Miss?" 

"If that's what you've got," he grimaced. 

"Oh my god, you are such a snob." Jane put water on to boil. "I'm, uh... I'm sorry about your father. And your mother – I never got a chance to say that to either of you before, when we... before." 

"Well, we did have the fate of the universe to contend with," said Loki dryly. "But... thank you, nevertheless. It has been... a confusing time." 

"I'll bet." Jane dumped packets of hot chocolate mix into a mug and wondered at the surrealness of her life. "So... I guess that means Thor's king now." 

"Yes. Much to his dismay. Thank you," he added, taking the mug from her hands. "And that is partly why I wanted to come and see you." 

Jane sat down opposite him with a bottle of something IPA-ish. "I still don't get it – and since you're not dead, shouldn't you be in prison or something?" 

"Oh heavens no, we're past all of that! I got an official royal pardon for helping to save Asgard from Malekith!" 

"When you supposedly died." 

"Yes, look, it's been a weird few years." 

"...Uh huh." Jane took an experimental drink and made a face. "And so Thor's bringing five thousand Asgardians here because...?"

"Because Asgard no longer exists."

"...You're joking. You've got to be joking."

"I told you," said Loki quietly. "We have nowhere else to go. Well, _they_ don't. The common people. It was Thor's idea to bring them to Earth, and me along with them. I am... well-aware that this decision isn't going to count towards his popularity here."

"Yeah, I think you might end up being a mark against him. But I still don't see where I come in."

"Thor will doubtless call upon you, as the only living Midgardian to have visited our world, to vouch for the good behavior of our people. And I am here to ask directly if that is going to cause a problem for you."

"I... we ended things a couple of years ago." Jane shrugged. "I mean, there might be some awkwardness at first, but—"

"That's why I'm asking. The king is married now."

"Ah."

"And with a child on the way soon."

"Good for him. Look, apart from the desperate weirdness of a former attempted world conqueror sitting in my apartment and drinking hot chocolate, I really appreciate your concern for your big brother's feelings. It's really sweet, and I'm not okay with using that word to describe you. But I don't regret ending my relationship with Thor, whatever he told you, and if he's happy with his new wife and looking forward to a new baby, then that's great! And if I can help put in a good word for your people with world governments or SHIELD or whoever, then I'll do what I can."

Green eyes raked over her critically. "I believe you."

"You damned well ought to."

Loki's lips twitched in a disturbingly sincere grin. He drank his hot chocolate politely and set the mug aside. "For what it's worth, Thor puts the onus for the end of your relationship entirely on himself."

Jane snorted. "'Entirely'?"

"Well, as a matter of incompatible personalities. He basically said he wasn't smart enough to keep up with you."

"Yeah, I get that a lot. Didn't expect to get from the prince of a world where the kids play with toy anti-gravity balls."

"Just because he understands the concepts you study doesn't mean he understands the passion with which you pursue them."

"That's... really perceptive," Jane said with a frown.

Loki just shrugged. "I took a wife when I was very young. It was a fraught relationship, but we made it work."

"I'm sure she loved the whole 'I'm going to take over Earth because my dad likes my brother more than me' thing." 

She expected him to blow up at her for that, but his only reaction was one of admiration. He'd looked at her the same way after she'd punched him that one time. "It didn't endear me to her, no. But we worked it out."

Jane took another sip of her beer and mulled that over for a while. "It wasn't really incompatible interests," she said, after a while. "It was more... guilt, I think. Guilt and grief. He came here after your mom died, after _you_ died - and he did think you were dead. I mean, we both watched you..."

"Yes," said Loki, very quietly, "I remember. For what it's worth, I thought I was dying, too. And then afterwards, I simply... hid myself away, where no one would think to look. It was easier to be dead."

"You're a fucking coward, is what you're saying."

"...More or less, yes. A very tired coward."

"First step's admitting it. But Thor... how do Asgardians deal with grief?"

Loki laughed softly. "The same way we deal with everything. Drinking and fighting, and fucking, when appropriate, until we're so wrung out that we've no energy left to be bothered by loss."

"What about just, y'know, talking?"

"Talking is not the Asgardian way... and it was never our family's strongest attribute."

"...He wouldn't talk to me. Never about you, which I guess wasn't weird, but he wouldn't talk about your mother, either. I even asked, but he wouldn't... he just said it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't feel guilty, and that was it." Agitated, Jane drained the bottle and stood up to pace. "And his dreams kept getting worse, and then he kept going off on longer and longer trips... and it just... didn't feel like a relationship anymore. It felt like having a roommate who turned up to eat and drink and sleep and watch TV, and maybe talk a little and fool around, and then he was off again. And he felt that, too."

"Yes, he told me the ending was his idea. And that he immediately regretted it."

"Yeah, he tried to walk it back. But I knew it was the right thing to do..." Jane stopped in her tracks and stared blankly at Loki, who was looking up at her with... pity? Understanding? "Emotions suck."

His smile was remarkably sympathetic. "They _do_." He stood up and offered Jane his hand. "Thank you for your time, Dr. Foster. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention to anyone that I was here. It might create complications for Thor, and I prefer to do that myself."

Jane laughed in spite of herself. 

Before he could leave, however he was planning to leave, Darcy breezed into the apartment. "Hey, I brought more of that beer you liked, and Ian's DnD group's taken over my place so I figured I'd crash here for a – wait a sec, that's—"

Darcy looked at Loki in astonishment, and then frantically dug around in her backpack. "Damn it, I knew I should've brought my taser!"

"Oh please," Loki snorted, insulted by the very idea. "I grew up with _Thor_."


End file.
